Ode to pets

Little Muffin is dead. No, it is not a pastry, but the name of one of Shelby's hermit crabs. Unfortunately, Little Muffin is no more. He died a few days ago. No, he wasn't molting, he was really dead. and my daughter is really devastated. She loved that little crab. Everyday she would give him a mist bath. He would crawl on her while she did homework. When she picked him up and talked to him, he would come out at the sound of her voice.
She has cried for days now. It doesn't help that she is also on her period. I am sure that is causing some of the emotion she is currently feeling. At this moment, she is burying her little crab. She has a real flower that she is marking his grave with.
I chuckled a little, behind her back of course. I realize their is no humor in death, but come on, it is just a crab.
But, then I began to think. What if it were my favorite cat, Baby in the ground? Would I chuckle then? Probably not. I love that cat and I would be utterly heartbroken if she died. She is my constant companion, my one comfort when I come home at night. When I am home, she is right by me. When I sleep at night, she is curled up at my back. When I am sitting, she is either in my lap or right beside me in the recliner. So, I suppose when she dies, I too will be marking her grave with flowers. and I doubt I will be doing any chuckling.

The Virtue of Pain

You know, some people say that pain is a good thing. Because if our bodies never felt pain, we would not know we were hurt or sick. At the first sign of pain, we know something is wrong and reach for the fix whether it be to the medicine cabinet or a visit to the doctor. I have had some recent experience with pain. For the previous 4 weeks, I had a constant headache. Nothing major. On scale of one to 10, 10 being the most intense, I would say my pain was about a 3 or 4. But the constant minor pain began to wear on me physically. I had no energy and no strength. I finally called the doctor and begged for relief because nothing over the counter was working. And if I did not get relief soon, somebody was going to get hurt! ;) After 2 tries, I finally got some relief. I love those little pills. ;)

But what do we do when the pain is not physical, but emotional? What do we run to for relief? Do we confront it head on or do we drown it in food, beverage, or sleep?

Unfortunately, I am experiencing some emotional pain. My first response is to crawl back in bed and pull the cover over my head. If I could, I would just stay holed up in my house; my little peace of serenity in a world that is full of pain and people who are all to willing to inflict it. Yes, I wish I could sleep and put a damper on the constant worrying about bills; I wish my 'sweet dreams' could melt away the harsh words, and mean stares I get from a certain person; I wish the quiteness of rest would erase the constant anxiety over my fathers ill health; I wish the solitude of the night would undo the stinging slap of rejection.

But sleep doesnt really help erase the pain, it just merely post pones it. It is there when my head hits the pillow, and still there when my feet first touch the floor. Pain, my constant companion lately both physically and emotionally. I think I need a divorce!

Five things I love

Ok, so I was tagged by Mary. Here are my 5. They ARE not in order of importance. Just random numbering :=)

1. My daughter. She is truly the joy and light of my life. I love the way she looks at things. Her view on life is different than most. She is turning out to be a leader, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and loves to laugh. She has a great sense of humor and finds joy in simple things.

2. My cat, Baby. Ok, I know, it is just a cat. But what you have to understand is that I really do not care for animals. ANd really didnt like cats. But the first time I held Baby, my heart just melted. She began to purr in my arms and I was a goner. Every night when I sit in my recliner, she is right there in my lap. When I lay down at night, she snuggles in by my side. I just LOVE that cat! She has been a faithful companion these past 7 years.

3. My job. I absolutely love where I work. My Principal, Mrs. Noble, is the absolute best boss ever! And I LOVE my students and love teaching.

4. God. If I had to sum up my life in one word, it would be GRACE. From as far back as I can remember, he has alwasy intervened in my life in one way or another. Things have not been easy, but, He has always provided what I needed at just the right time. Even in my darkest hours, He has been there. It may not have always felt like it, but I know He has never left me.

5. My recliner. After YEARS of wanting one, my brother gave me his recliner last week. It is the best thing anyone has ever given me. I love being able to put my feet up and just relax. Baby loves it too! lol. Every night when I come into my room, she is on the recliner. I have to lift her to sit in it. One time she growled at me! But she calmed down when I sat her in my lap, which is where she always ends up every evening anyway. This chair is just so comfortable and I have really enjoyed it and am just so thankful to have it!!!!!!!

A Brave New World

When we first become parents, we are in awe of the responsibility that has been thrust upon us. We gaze at the perfectness of our newborns, examine their fingers and toes, and breathe in the sweet scent of their innocence. However, the serene calm of our lives is shattered with that first piercing cry at 2 am and we wonder, what the heck have I done? Through out the terrible twos, the awful children's shows, the temper tantrums, the power struggles, the endless McDonald Happy meals, we often ask ourselves...what have I done??
Parenting does have its rewards. I love the sound of my child's laughter. The sweet little cards she made over the years, her imagination, her different way of looking at life.
But with each new milestone comes new struggles. I got past the middle of the night feedings only to face teething. Teething left and in came potty training. After potty training, the power struggles began. (Guess who won? :-) ) Then comes the first day of school. The first sleep over, the first heart break, the first dance, etc.
My newest milestone is driving. My sweet precious innocent baby is now a grown 17 year old who just got her 'real' license. Yesterday, she drove solo for the first time. I think a piece of my heart went with her as she pulled off without me. The next 20 minutes were absolutely awful for me. I was very near a panic attack. My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt my eyes tear up, and the worst things imaginable went through me head. What if she doesn't come home, what if someone hits her, what if she hits someone...and on and on. Somehow my thoughts came under control and I was able to calm down. She was very responsible, calling me when she got to her destinations, and before she left. When she walked in the door 2 1/2 hours later, I gave her a big hug and a kiss. She, of course, was grinning from ear to ear and so proud of herself for being all grown up. So, as I enter this new phase of her 'childhood', I cant help but be a little proud of the woman she is becoming. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, has compassion on the elderly and weak, leads her classmates with integrity and strength, and still sneaks into her mamas room to cuddle.
What more could a mama want? :-)

Family

Nothing can bring out the worst in you like a big family gathering. Most family gatherings last a day, maybe two. But no. Not mine. Mine lasted 4 long days and nights. Everyone FINALLY cleared out by 10 am Sunday. Things did not go as well as I had hoped. Maybe I expected Norman Rockwell...and well, what I got was Jerry Springer. On Wednesday, the first wave of family arrived; my saintly grandma, whom I love VERY much, my Aunt Donnie, her daughter in law, daughter and 2 grandchildren; my other cousins Jesse and David and my Uncle Laten (brother to Aunt Donnnie) That went ok. Other than the 2 month old baby crying all during the night EVERY night, it was fine. oh and the 2yr old walking around making spills and rearranging the christmas tree, yea, it was fine. Grandma helped me cook the big, yummy Thanksgiving meal. Dad was in the hospital from Tuesday through Friday, so he missed a lot of the, um, fun.
BUT the true fun began Friday night when my brothers showed up. YES. IN case you are keeping count...that was 9 more people in an already crowded house. Things got ugly at that point. You see, my bachelor brother found him a girl friend. and well, lets just say, she would never make it in a Norman Rockwell painting. More like a Jerry Springer sound bite.
She brought with her two daughters and a 9 month old god-son. She refused to eat the entire time she was here. In fact Friday night, she left and got a motel room. Fine. I can certainly understand that. I may have done the same thing. She returned Saturday AFTER my Florida relatives left. So the rest of the weekend, it was just me, dad, my brothers and their families.
Without going into a lot of family gossip, suffice it to say, things did not go well. She and my brother did not like it when I said they could not share a bed (they are unmarried). They didnt like it when I asked them to stop groping and kissing(deep kissing) in front of the children and me. And I certainly did not enjoy seeing her boobies and all her tats. If I wanted to see that much boob, I'd go buy me a playboy or just stand in front of the mirror and lift my shirt.
I mean, really, why put a shirt on if you are going to let your girls hang out for all to see. A waste of good material if you ask me.
Oh so much more went on...but I just dont have the strenght of heart to hash it out here.
My heart truly hurts. I am a people pleaser. I love having people over and playing the hostess. I want people to feel welcomed in my home. This is the first time I have regretted inviting someone, and the first time someone has refused my hospitality, disrespected my house 'rules' and basically said they didnt want to become to begin with and will never return again.
So, there, ya go.
THey are all gone.,
I have cleaned my house from top to bottom, washed all sheets, towels and rugs. My house is back in order.
The next time I start feeling lonely, and feeling sorry for myself, I am going to remember this weekend and enjoy my solitary life.

Civility

Sometimes I just don't understand people. I use to joke about how I wasn't an animal person, and was barely a people person. Sadly, for me, there is a little truth in that. Sometimes I just like my solitude. Maybe a little too much. I could go days without speaking to anyone and would be perfectly content. Of course, that is selfish, I know. So, I force myself to interact with human-kind. And my, how trying we humans can be. I am the type of pathetic personality that wants everyone to like her. Well, actually, I dont care if you like me, I just dont want you to NOT like me...lol. Relationships can be a fickle thing; and honestly, sometimes I just don't have the strentgh or energy to try to figure out what this person, or that person is thinking. I try to do my best to put other's first, but dang it all, can't I be first sometimes? And there's the crux of the problem. PUTTING others first. It is tiring, but at times what we have to do. Right now, I am in a situation where I just want to tell a few people (none of you, by the way) to shut the crap up, quit your dang whining and complaining, suck it up and just stinking DEAL with it. But no, I can't do that. I just have to take a deep breath, smile, and try to be sincerely pleasant.

Oh solitude, sweet, sweet solitude!

I know not everyone is going to like us. And I know we cant please everyone. But dang it, why not? Why cant we just all get along and like each other? lol Life is hard enough. Why add to the burden by being rude, unforgiving, and sometimes just plain unlovable.

I honestly just want to be the type of person who loves honestly, faithfully, and with servitude. That is hard to do, I know....I would much rather stay holed up in my house and not ever have to interact, but then that would not be very beneficial or civil. Selfishness, yea, sometimes it can be very appealing. Solitude anyone?

Voting

Today, I exercised my American privilege and voted for our next president. This is the 6th presidential election that I have voted in. Never before have I felt such strong emotion about two very different candidates. As I put an X in the box next to my chosen candidate, my eyes became filled with tears. Thankfully, none spilled out, boy that would have been hard to explain. Why the tears? Honestly, I don't know. I guess because I am so worried that the wrong person will get elected. And if He does, I am afraid for our country. While I didn't really prefer any of those running, I have strong opposition to one in particular and am worried about what will become of my beloved America should he take office.

But, there is not much I can do but vote, pray, pray, and pray some more.

Don't forget to go vote on Tuesday!

Memories

This past week, my one and only child turned 17! Yes, 17. While I am very proud of her, my heart was a wee bit sad. She is a junior in high school; which means NEXT year, she will be a senior!! And just all grown up. Where has the time gone? Every year, around her birthday, I pulled out all the baby albums, and albums from her childhood. This year was no different. As I looked at her baby pictures, I was trying to recall what it actually felt like to hold her in my arms, what she smelled like after a bath, and the sound of her first laugh. As I moved on to the toddler years, you know what I remembered? The good times, not the tantrums, or the dirty house, or how funds were tight. No, I remembered her running through the house laughing. I remember her sitting in her booster seat at the table asking , "no supper tonight mommy?"(I had been cleaning all afternoon, and did not realize that the supper hour had come and gone) I remember her sitting in her room talking to dolls and telling them to be good little girls and take a nap.

As I moved through the albums, more and more memories flooded my mind. Towards the end, I began to realize that while we may not have had all the luxuries in life, and while she may not have had a father in her life, she had a pretty good child hood, and she has turned out to be a pretty good girl. Oh, we have had some rocky moments during these teen years, but overall, she is a great girl. And I am proud to call her mine.