Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to handle this thing called life. It certainly is NOT easy. I hate all the emotions I go through. I hate the struggles, I tolerate the other humans. So, I guess that makes me a selfish whiner. Ok, so we will go with that thought.
Maybe I am selfish because I always hate experienceing any kind of discomfort. I want the rainbow, butterflies flitting everywhere, sun always shining kind of life. Well, it has not turned out like that. When I was in college I had a dream. I was going to get my education degree. Meet my husband, who would of course be in ministry as a missionary. We were going to go to a spanish speaking country, have 6 kids, all of whom I would homeschool, right along with any of the local children. We were going to live in wedded bliss serving the Lord. I bought and read scores of books on homeschooling, marriage, and ministry. (boys and girls, can we say the word NAIVE??) Then of course, that all fell apart my senior year in college when I dated someone I had no business dating, got preg. not married...well, you know the rest of the story. No husband, no missionary, no foreign soil, no homeschooling, no more dreams.
So, here I am, 39, single, and struggling with my faith, my finances, my family, with life. I am trying desperately hard to NOT worry and be anxious. I am confessing that daily, but I just have this overwhelming since of dread. I really wish sometimes I could completely see God and have a chat with him. (I dont mean that in a disrespectful or blasphemous way) But I feel lost and just dont quite know how to find my way home again, whatever home is.
The point of this blog?? I dont know. I guess I just needed to emotionally vomit. ...get it out.. because I feel I am on the brink...on the edge...one more thing and I will go tumbling over into a dark abyss, forever falling. (now, disclaimer, I am not suicidal...dont worry. I am just in a very tough spot and I dont see an end and I really wish at times I had a good husband (i know that in itself could be a another whole set of problems.) to bounce ideas and problems off of. I get tired of struggling alone...I guess that is why I wish (like Alicia said) that Jesus could put on skin again and pay me a visit.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
accidental worry
The dreaded phone call came around 6:30pm. "Mom, I had an accident." I can not even begin to explain all the different emotions and thoughts that went tearing through my body and mind.
After I got her to calm down, she told me where she was at and I got there in record time.
Shelby is fine; very hysterical and shaken up, but physically fine. The other driver was ok too; although complaining of back pain. But they didnt leave in the ambulance, so hopefully we wont be facing a lawsuit.
This whole experience has really shaken both of us up. She is very reluctant to drive again. SHE has driven since the accident...but I have to 'make' her. And quite frankly, I am fine if she doesnt want to drive becasue I am afraid too. BUT I cant let HER know that. So I ignore my feelings and encourage her to 'get back in the saddle'.
This whole situation has dredged up an old enemy: worry. I have never really considered myself a worrier...but in a sense, I guess I am. Over the years, I have gotten better about trusting the Lord and not "borrowing trouble". But this has really thrown me. I worry she will have another wreck and that next time she wont walk off without a single scratch. I worry about how we are going to afford another car. I worry about finances. I worry about what we are going to do when my daddy dies..etc...and the list goes on and on and on....
But as the saying goes, this too shall pass. We will get those two stupid citations paid, shelby will drive again with confidence, and I will trust...maybe.
After I got her to calm down, she told me where she was at and I got there in record time.
Shelby is fine; very hysterical and shaken up, but physically fine. The other driver was ok too; although complaining of back pain. But they didnt leave in the ambulance, so hopefully we wont be facing a lawsuit.
This whole experience has really shaken both of us up. She is very reluctant to drive again. SHE has driven since the accident...but I have to 'make' her. And quite frankly, I am fine if she doesnt want to drive becasue I am afraid too. BUT I cant let HER know that. So I ignore my feelings and encourage her to 'get back in the saddle'.
This whole situation has dredged up an old enemy: worry. I have never really considered myself a worrier...but in a sense, I guess I am. Over the years, I have gotten better about trusting the Lord and not "borrowing trouble". But this has really thrown me. I worry she will have another wreck and that next time she wont walk off without a single scratch. I worry about how we are going to afford another car. I worry about finances. I worry about what we are going to do when my daddy dies..etc...and the list goes on and on and on....
But as the saying goes, this too shall pass. We will get those two stupid citations paid, shelby will drive again with confidence, and I will trust...maybe.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
My quirky dad
Ok, so as most of you know, my dad has lived with me for a year now due to his health. And what a year it has been: constant trips to the doctors, middle of the night runs to the emergency room, frantic 911 calls, and just the daily care of his legs, meds, etc.
I am no martyr...but honestly, I do not mind taking care of him. It does get tiring...esp. the constant complaining. Here lately, he is convinced he is going to die of a heart attack. We have been to the ER several times. He complains constantly of pain; but there is nothing showing up on his ekg's. Nothing in his blood work either to indicate heart stress. Due to his thinking he is on deaths door, he has done some things lately that just are begging to be blogged by me. ;-)
Early this week we were sitting at the table eating supper. Out of the blue dad says, "Tonya, I want to pay for Shelby to get a tattoo." I dropped my fork and my mouth just swung open. Speechless, I was. (A little back ground info here.....off and on for a few years now, Shelby has wanted a tatoo. I always say, NO, not as long as you live in my house...)
I finally got my breath back and said, " Now dad, what exactly do you want it to say? Pops?"
And then of course I look at her and ask her if she put him up to that, she and he both said no.
Here was his reasoning: If you let her get one now, she will see how painful it is. Plus maybe she will get it out of her system and not want anymore." My response: Well, lets just let her go have sex, or go drinking so she can get it out of her system." Ok, I know, a bit unreasonable, but I was still in shock that he was taking HER side! :=) What her fascination with tattoos is, I dont know. And she has one all picked out just in case I say yes. Which, by the way, prob. will not happen.
Another day this week, I wake up and go in the kitchen. Dad is sitting there. I notice 2 packs of gum on the counter. He said, "those are for Shelby." He had gone to the store to get his mother a birthday card, and pick Shelby up some gum. Let me note that he is always doing that here lately. Everytime he goes to the store, he picks something up for her. He then told me, "I got her that. I dont know if you have noticed, but I have been buying a lot for her. I want to get her as much as I can before I die. Next month, I am going to ger her a blackberry". I said," A blackberry dad? come one, really? Does she need a blackberry?". He said, "Maybe not, but I want to get her whatever she wants while I am still able to do it. " Again, I was speechless. She has not asked him for a blackberry. I told him that inJuly our phone contract is up for renewal, and we would be able to get a better deal then. But he is convinced he is not going to live that long.
Then, today. I am on the couch reading. He walks out of his room and hands me several sheets of paper. He has written out his will. He has listed all his early possessions (which is not much) and who he wants them to go to. By each one, he wrote a personal note to the person receiving the item. (very touching, and sometimes, just plain funny) He wanted me to make sure it sounded ok. I said, yes, dad, it does. So he signed it, and I put it in a safe place. I am hoping I will not have to pull it out for a very long time.
I am no martyr...but honestly, I do not mind taking care of him. It does get tiring...esp. the constant complaining. Here lately, he is convinced he is going to die of a heart attack. We have been to the ER several times. He complains constantly of pain; but there is nothing showing up on his ekg's. Nothing in his blood work either to indicate heart stress. Due to his thinking he is on deaths door, he has done some things lately that just are begging to be blogged by me. ;-)
Early this week we were sitting at the table eating supper. Out of the blue dad says, "Tonya, I want to pay for Shelby to get a tattoo." I dropped my fork and my mouth just swung open. Speechless, I was. (A little back ground info here.....off and on for a few years now, Shelby has wanted a tatoo. I always say, NO, not as long as you live in my house...)
I finally got my breath back and said, " Now dad, what exactly do you want it to say? Pops?"
And then of course I look at her and ask her if she put him up to that, she and he both said no.
Here was his reasoning: If you let her get one now, she will see how painful it is. Plus maybe she will get it out of her system and not want anymore." My response: Well, lets just let her go have sex, or go drinking so she can get it out of her system." Ok, I know, a bit unreasonable, but I was still in shock that he was taking HER side! :=) What her fascination with tattoos is, I dont know. And she has one all picked out just in case I say yes. Which, by the way, prob. will not happen.
Another day this week, I wake up and go in the kitchen. Dad is sitting there. I notice 2 packs of gum on the counter. He said, "those are for Shelby." He had gone to the store to get his mother a birthday card, and pick Shelby up some gum. Let me note that he is always doing that here lately. Everytime he goes to the store, he picks something up for her. He then told me, "I got her that. I dont know if you have noticed, but I have been buying a lot for her. I want to get her as much as I can before I die. Next month, I am going to ger her a blackberry". I said," A blackberry dad? come one, really? Does she need a blackberry?". He said, "Maybe not, but I want to get her whatever she wants while I am still able to do it. " Again, I was speechless. She has not asked him for a blackberry. I told him that inJuly our phone contract is up for renewal, and we would be able to get a better deal then. But he is convinced he is not going to live that long.
Then, today. I am on the couch reading. He walks out of his room and hands me several sheets of paper. He has written out his will. He has listed all his early possessions (which is not much) and who he wants them to go to. By each one, he wrote a personal note to the person receiving the item. (very touching, and sometimes, just plain funny) He wanted me to make sure it sounded ok. I said, yes, dad, it does. So he signed it, and I put it in a safe place. I am hoping I will not have to pull it out for a very long time.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Ode to pets
Little Muffin is dead. No, it is not a pastry, but the name of one of Shelby's hermit crabs. Unfortunately, Little Muffin is no more. He died a few days ago. No, he wasn't molting, he was really dead. and my daughter is really devastated. She loved that little crab. Everyday she would give him a mist bath. He would crawl on her while she did homework. When she picked him up and talked to him, he would come out at the sound of her voice.
She has cried for days now. It doesn't help that she is also on her period. I am sure that is causing some of the emotion she is currently feeling. At this moment, she is burying her little crab. She has a real flower that she is marking his grave with.
I chuckled a little, behind her back of course. I realize their is no humor in death, but come on, it is just a crab.
But, then I began to think. What if it were my favorite cat, Baby in the ground? Would I chuckle then? Probably not. I love that cat and I would be utterly heartbroken if she died. She is my constant companion, my one comfort when I come home at night. When I am home, she is right by me. When I sleep at night, she is curled up at my back. When I am sitting, she is either in my lap or right beside me in the recliner. So, I suppose when she dies, I too will be marking her grave with flowers. and I doubt I will be doing any chuckling.
She has cried for days now. It doesn't help that she is also on her period. I am sure that is causing some of the emotion she is currently feeling. At this moment, she is burying her little crab. She has a real flower that she is marking his grave with.
I chuckled a little, behind her back of course. I realize their is no humor in death, but come on, it is just a crab.
But, then I began to think. What if it were my favorite cat, Baby in the ground? Would I chuckle then? Probably not. I love that cat and I would be utterly heartbroken if she died. She is my constant companion, my one comfort when I come home at night. When I am home, she is right by me. When I sleep at night, she is curled up at my back. When I am sitting, she is either in my lap or right beside me in the recliner. So, I suppose when she dies, I too will be marking her grave with flowers. and I doubt I will be doing any chuckling.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Virtue of Pain
You know, some people say that pain is a good thing. Because if our bodies never felt pain, we would not know we were hurt or sick. At the first sign of pain, we know something is wrong and reach for the fix whether it be to the medicine cabinet or a visit to the doctor. I have had some recent experience with pain. For the previous 4 weeks, I had a constant headache. Nothing major. On scale of one to 10, 10 being the most intense, I would say my pain was about a 3 or 4. But the constant minor pain began to wear on me physically. I had no energy and no strength. I finally called the doctor and begged for relief because nothing over the counter was working. And if I did not get relief soon, somebody was going to get hurt! ;) After 2 tries, I finally got some relief. I love those little pills. ;)
But what do we do when the pain is not physical, but emotional? What do we run to for relief? Do we confront it head on or do we drown it in food, beverage, or sleep?
Unfortunately, I am experiencing some emotional pain. My first response is to crawl back in bed and pull the cover over my head. If I could, I would just stay holed up in my house; my little peace of serenity in a world that is full of pain and people who are all to willing to inflict it. Yes, I wish I could sleep and put a damper on the constant worrying about bills; I wish my 'sweet dreams' could melt away the harsh words, and mean stares I get from a certain person; I wish the quiteness of rest would erase the constant anxiety over my fathers ill health; I wish the solitude of the night would undo the stinging slap of rejection.
But sleep doesnt really help erase the pain, it just merely post pones it. It is there when my head hits the pillow, and still there when my feet first touch the floor. Pain, my constant companion lately both physically and emotionally. I think I need a divorce!
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Five things I love
Ok, so I was tagged by Mary. Here are my 5. They ARE not in order of importance. Just random numbering :=)
1. My daughter. She is truly the joy and light of my life. I love the way she looks at things. Her view on life is different than most. She is turning out to be a leader, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and loves to laugh. She has a great sense of humor and finds joy in simple things.
2. My cat, Baby. Ok, I know, it is just a cat. But what you have to understand is that I really do not care for animals. ANd really didnt like cats. But the first time I held Baby, my heart just melted. She began to purr in my arms and I was a goner. Every night when I sit in my recliner, she is right there in my lap. When I lay down at night, she snuggles in by my side. I just LOVE that cat! She has been a faithful companion these past 7 years.
3. My job. I absolutely love where I work. My Principal, Mrs. Noble, is the absolute best boss ever! And I LOVE my students and love teaching.
4. God. If I had to sum up my life in one word, it would be GRACE. From as far back as I can remember, he has alwasy intervened in my life in one way or another. Things have not been easy, but, He has always provided what I needed at just the right time. Even in my darkest hours, He has been there. It may not have always felt like it, but I know He has never left me.
5. My recliner. After YEARS of wanting one, my brother gave me his recliner last week. It is the best thing anyone has ever given me. I love being able to put my feet up and just relax. Baby loves it too! lol. Every night when I come into my room, she is on the recliner. I have to lift her to sit in it. One time she growled at me! But she calmed down when I sat her in my lap, which is where she always ends up every evening anyway. This chair is just so comfortable and I have really enjoyed it and am just so thankful to have it!!!!!!!
1. My daughter. She is truly the joy and light of my life. I love the way she looks at things. Her view on life is different than most. She is turning out to be a leader, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and loves to laugh. She has a great sense of humor and finds joy in simple things.
2. My cat, Baby. Ok, I know, it is just a cat. But what you have to understand is that I really do not care for animals. ANd really didnt like cats. But the first time I held Baby, my heart just melted. She began to purr in my arms and I was a goner. Every night when I sit in my recliner, she is right there in my lap. When I lay down at night, she snuggles in by my side. I just LOVE that cat! She has been a faithful companion these past 7 years.
3. My job. I absolutely love where I work. My Principal, Mrs. Noble, is the absolute best boss ever! And I LOVE my students and love teaching.
4. God. If I had to sum up my life in one word, it would be GRACE. From as far back as I can remember, he has alwasy intervened in my life in one way or another. Things have not been easy, but, He has always provided what I needed at just the right time. Even in my darkest hours, He has been there. It may not have always felt like it, but I know He has never left me.
5. My recliner. After YEARS of wanting one, my brother gave me his recliner last week. It is the best thing anyone has ever given me. I love being able to put my feet up and just relax. Baby loves it too! lol. Every night when I come into my room, she is on the recliner. I have to lift her to sit in it. One time she growled at me! But she calmed down when I sat her in my lap, which is where she always ends up every evening anyway. This chair is just so comfortable and I have really enjoyed it and am just so thankful to have it!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A Brave New World
When we first become parents, we are in awe of the responsibility that has been thrust upon us. We gaze at the perfectness of our newborns, examine their fingers and toes, and breathe in the sweet scent of their innocence. However, the serene calm of our lives is shattered with that first piercing cry at 2 am and we wonder, what the heck have I done? Through out the terrible twos, the awful children's shows, the temper tantrums, the power struggles, the endless McDonald Happy meals, we often ask ourselves...what have I done??
Parenting does have its rewards. I love the sound of my child's laughter. The sweet little cards she made over the years, her imagination, her different way of looking at life.
But with each new milestone comes new struggles. I got past the middle of the night feedings only to face teething. Teething left and in came potty training. After potty training, the power struggles began. (Guess who won? :-) ) Then comes the first day of school. The first sleep over, the first heart break, the first dance, etc.
My newest milestone is driving. My sweet precious innocent baby is now a grown 17 year old who just got her 'real' license. Yesterday, she drove solo for the first time. I think a piece of my heart went with her as she pulled off without me. The next 20 minutes were absolutely awful for me. I was very near a panic attack. My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt my eyes tear up, and the worst things imaginable went through me head. What if she doesn't come home, what if someone hits her, what if she hits someone...and on and on. Somehow my thoughts came under control and I was able to calm down. She was very responsible, calling me when she got to her destinations, and before she left. When she walked in the door 2 1/2 hours later, I gave her a big hug and a kiss. She, of course, was grinning from ear to ear and so proud of herself for being all grown up. So, as I enter this new phase of her 'childhood', I cant help but be a little proud of the woman she is becoming. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, has compassion on the elderly and weak, leads her classmates with integrity and strength, and still sneaks into her mamas room to cuddle.
What more could a mama want? :-)
Parenting does have its rewards. I love the sound of my child's laughter. The sweet little cards she made over the years, her imagination, her different way of looking at life.
But with each new milestone comes new struggles. I got past the middle of the night feedings only to face teething. Teething left and in came potty training. After potty training, the power struggles began. (Guess who won? :-) ) Then comes the first day of school. The first sleep over, the first heart break, the first dance, etc.
My newest milestone is driving. My sweet precious innocent baby is now a grown 17 year old who just got her 'real' license. Yesterday, she drove solo for the first time. I think a piece of my heart went with her as she pulled off without me. The next 20 minutes were absolutely awful for me. I was very near a panic attack. My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt my eyes tear up, and the worst things imaginable went through me head. What if she doesn't come home, what if someone hits her, what if she hits someone...and on and on. Somehow my thoughts came under control and I was able to calm down. She was very responsible, calling me when she got to her destinations, and before she left. When she walked in the door 2 1/2 hours later, I gave her a big hug and a kiss. She, of course, was grinning from ear to ear and so proud of herself for being all grown up. So, as I enter this new phase of her 'childhood', I cant help but be a little proud of the woman she is becoming. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, has compassion on the elderly and weak, leads her classmates with integrity and strength, and still sneaks into her mamas room to cuddle.
What more could a mama want? :-)
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