Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Life...really?

Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to handle this thing called life. It certainly is NOT easy. I hate all the emotions I go through. I hate the struggles, I tolerate the other humans. So, I guess that makes me a selfish whiner. Ok, so we will go with that thought.
Maybe I am selfish because I always hate experienceing any kind of discomfort. I want the rainbow, butterflies flitting everywhere, sun always shining kind of life. Well, it has not turned out like that. When I was in college I had a dream. I was going to get my education degree. Meet my husband, who would of course be in ministry as a missionary. We were going to go to a spanish speaking country, have 6 kids, all of whom I would homeschool, right along with any of the local children. We were going to live in wedded bliss serving the Lord. I bought and read scores of books on homeschooling, marriage, and ministry. (boys and girls, can we say the word NAIVE??) Then of course, that all fell apart my senior year in college when I dated someone I had no business dating, got preg. not married...well, you know the rest of the story. No husband, no missionary, no foreign soil, no homeschooling, no more dreams.

So, here I am, 39, single, and struggling with my faith, my finances, my family, with life. I am trying desperately hard to NOT worry and be anxious. I am confessing that daily, but I just have this overwhelming since of dread. I really wish sometimes I could completely see God and have a chat with him. (I dont mean that in a disrespectful or blasphemous way) But I feel lost and just dont quite know how to find my way home again, whatever home is.

The point of this blog?? I dont know. I guess I just needed to emotionally vomit. ...get it out.. because I feel I am on the brink...on the edge...one more thing and I will go tumbling over into a dark abyss, forever falling. (now, disclaimer, I am not suicidal...dont worry. I am just in a very tough spot and I dont see an end and I really wish at times I had a good husband (i know that in itself could be a another whole set of problems.) to bounce ideas and problems off of. I get tired of struggling alone...I guess that is why I wish (like Alicia said) that Jesus could put on skin again and pay me a visit.

1 comment:

Alicia said...

I'm sorry babe. I hear you. I know how I struggle and I am sure it is even harder for you. Just so you know, you have done an incredible job with a hard life. Shelby is pretty amazing and you have held it together. You have alot to be proud of even though it doesn't fit into you "ideal". Very few people end up with their ideal life but I know God uses you right where you are. My Noah is proof. xoxo