Life

The uncertainty of life

2010-09-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

What a busy summer this has been. I wish I could say it has all been good, but well, why lie?
I found this to be a summer of introspection and self reflection. Hmmm, perhaps that was a bit redundant? Repeating myself?
For the first time in my entire life, I found myself living alone. And I just wasn't too happy with that arrangement. After a very emotional graduation day and party, I said goodbye to my daughter the very next day. She was heading to Dothan for the summer to babysit for a friend. I didn't handle the separation very well. I cried all the time. I just don't think I'm liking this stage of her development. Oh that she were still a toddler that I can hug tightly on my lap.

This summer I also had a scare with dad. He had some scary staph infection that kept him in the hospital for almost two weeks. Also, had a family member who tried to 'check out' of life early. Thankfully he was found in time. He is now doing much better. So much more went on, but why bother posting it or mully grubbing about it? It's done. It's over. And all is OK now. :)

So, moving on..................... School has started. I am still the 4th grade teacher and still loving it. I have a great group of kids. I am also now the department head over the elementary hallway. So things are pretty busy. I hope to start a blog for just my educational ramblings...we shall see if I have time!

So, what did I learn about myself through all of this? 1. I don't like living alone. 2. I miss my little girl being little. 3. The thought of losing a loved one terrifies me. 4. The thought of one day being completely alone frightens me to no end. 5. I need to stock up on wine. (hahaha)

Students...precious, aren't they? :)

2009-11-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I teach 4th grade and LOVE it. Teaching is definitely my calling and my passion. For those who teach with me, they know what a stickler I am about my classroom. I love things organized and in their place. I have a place for everything and train the children where to place certain papers, books, manipulatives, etc. It works for me and my students. One thing I am very particular about is my chalkboard. I love a nice clean board. For as long as I have been teaching, I have almost always cleaned my board (with water) at the end of every day. Sometimes twice a day depending on usuage. It's just a quirk Ihave. I like writing on a clean surface. Well, yesterday I had to leave work early due to illness. I arrive back today and what's the first thing I do? Grab my rag, wet it and come back to clean my board. It is then that I noticed that things are not quite right. There appears to be black smudges here and there all over my board. I then notice the most hideous eraser I have ever seen. As I wiped my board down, I noticed the dark spots were not coming up. I take a closer look at the ugly eraser and realize it is a whiteboard eraser! Someone had borrowed my (in excellent condition) chalk eraser and brought back this one. And the Science teacher (unbeknownst to her) used the dry marker eraser on my chalk board, hence the dark spots.
(bare with me...punch line coming)
So, obviously, I was upset. And the kids noticed. After about my 3rd or 4th comment over my displeasure at my now sullied board, one sweet little angel (no, really, she is a sweet heart!) raised her hand and said, "Miss Thompson, I think you may be OCD."
Ha ha ha....I looked at her (laughing) and said, well aren't you precious! The class of course was laughing...I too was laughing.
Me OCD?? hmmmmm you think??
:)

Parenting

2009-04-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Last night Shelby and I went to a friend's house for supper. During the course of the evening, two of the children needed correcting. My friend dealt with it swiftly and with love. I commented to her that I loved the way she disciplined her children. On the way home, Shelby said, "so mom, you like the way Miss --- disciplines?" I said yes and proceeded to explain why. This lead to a discussion about the different ways parents discipline or don't discipline their children. She then asked the one thousand dollar question: "Mom, who taught you how to parent?"
That question left me a bit speechless. I fumbled around a little, and then just basically said that I read some parenting books, prayed a LOT, and used some of my training as a teacher.

I kept pondering on the question. Who did teach me how to parent? Our parents are suppose to be the ones who teach us. But what if their 'teaching' was lacking because they, themselves were not taught properly? My parents where not Ozzie and Harriet Nelson or was it like Leave it to Beaver. Things were hard. But in retrospect, I now know they did the best they could. They themselves had rotten childhoods and did not have good parenting examples. So I totally have NO fault with them. But before I had children, I did resolve that I would do things differently when I was the mom. (disclaimer, I in no way mean any disrespect to my parents..as I stated earlier, they did the best they could considering how they were raised and the problems they had to deal with.)

I resolved to break the cycle when I became a parent. I read parenting books written by Charles Swindol, Dr. Dobson, and others. I watched the parents of the children I babysat. I observed how they dealt with certain situations. But honestly, NOTHING prepares you for the day when they put that screaming new born in your arms and say "congratulations mom". Mom. Oh crap. What have I gotten myself into! Am I really ready for the responsibility? That is when the cries of desperation began to go heavenward. I prayed constantly. Cried some too. But one thing I learned in all my reading and observing is that you have to stay consistent. Do not give in. Teach them right from wrong and then stick with it. Deal with situations as swiftly as the situation allows. Sometimes taking a breather before disciplining is necessary in some situations. Never look the other way because you are too tired. Those early years are hard years, but if you stay consisitent, it will pay off.

My own daughter is 17 1/2. Most likely she will be a mom within 10 years. She will embark on her own parenting adventure. I only hope that she has had a decent example. I know I did not do everything right; I have made plenty of mistakes. But I hope she can take something I have taught her and apply it to her own parenting style.

time

2009-04-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

They say time heals all wounds. I use to think that was such a stupid saying. For some wounds seem to be too severe to ever close up and heal. I thought I had such a wound.

About 3 years and 1 month ago, all hell broke loose in my family. To protect the innocent, details are being ommitted. But suffice it to say, life in our family would never be the same. Due to the circumstances, I had to cut all ties with my mother. This was not an easy decision. You see, up to this point, we had a pretty decent relationship. Perhaps a bit dysfuntional, but it was all I knew and had. We talked constantly. Always calling several times a day. Sometimes I would just call to tell her something as stupid as the latest cat escapade. And she would do the same.

But that all ended abruptly. I cut ties, she left town, and I have not heard from her in over 3 years.

The first 6 months were the hardest. I cried daily. Not only for her, but b/c of the aftermath of the situation I had to deal with here at home and with other family members. The situation was on my mind constantly. As months turned into years, I eventually thought of her less often.

And to my surprise, hadnt thought about her for a while until last night.

Last night the dreams returned. In the early days of her abandonment, the dreams came quite often; usually me sceaming at her: why? why did you chose him? why didnt you chose us?

Last night, after I awoke from having that horrid dream, I realized it had been a while since I had dreamed about her or thought about the situation that drove her from our lives. I guess a mothers day commercial I saw on tv triggered the dream.

While it still hurts, I guess the saying has a bit of truth to it; time has healed the wound. I carry around a fresh scar, but it is healing none the less.

ponderings

2009-04-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted. I guess I just dont take time b/c my life seems so mundane and boring, and who really wants to read something that may put them in dream land??
I am not the brightest bulb out there, and dont understand the full economic stuff and all the bail out junk. I don't understand how the credit market and housing market affect the stock exchange, etc. But what I do know is that life in the United States as we knew it is changing. Somewhere along the way our liberty is slowing being stripped away and we are oblivious to it. The govt keeps printing money and bailing out various business/industries. Bills are being passed that contain 'little things' here and there we know nothing about...YET. The gov't fired the head of a private business. Yes this business accepted gov't funds and yes, maybe he needed to be removed, but was it really the gov'ts place? I am a little concerned when the gov't gets in the car, banking, and morgage business. Ever since the first bailout under Pres. Bush one saying keeps coming to mind. In Star Wars, Episode III, Senator Amidala and another senator where sitting with thousands of other senators in the senate chamber. The Emperor Just annouced he was dissolving the Senate and the senate bursts into applause. She turns to her friend and says: "So this is how liberty dies, at the sound of thunderous applause."

Life...really?

2009-02-03T07:14:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am cut out to handle this thing called life. It certainly is NOT easy. I hate all the emotions I go through. I hate the struggles, I tolerate the other humans. So, I guess that makes me a selfish whiner. Ok, so we will go with that thought.
Maybe I am selfish because I always hate experienceing any kind of discomfort. I want the rainbow, butterflies flitting everywhere, sun always shining kind of life. Well, it has not turned out like that. When I was in college I had a dream. I was going to get my education degree. Meet my husband, who would of course be in ministry as a missionary. We were going to go to a spanish speaking country, have 6 kids, all of whom I would homeschool, right along with any of the local children. We were going to live in wedded bliss serving the Lord. I bought and read scores of books on homeschooling, marriage, and ministry. (boys and girls, can we say the word NAIVE??) Then of course, that all fell apart my senior year in college when I dated someone I had no business dating, got preg. not married...well, you know the rest of the story. No husband, no missionary, no foreign soil, no homeschooling, no more dreams.

So, here I am, 39, single, and struggling with my faith, my finances, my family, with life. I am trying desperately hard to NOT worry and be anxious. I am confessing that daily, but I just have this overwhelming since of dread. I really wish sometimes I could completely see God and have a chat with him. (I dont mean that in a disrespectful or blasphemous way) But I feel lost and just dont quite know how to find my way home again, whatever home is.

The point of this blog?? I dont know. I guess I just needed to emotionally vomit. ...get it out.. because I feel I am on the brink...on the edge...one more thing and I will go tumbling over into a dark abyss, forever falling. (now, disclaimer, I am not suicidal...dont worry. I am just in a very tough spot and I dont see an end and I really wish at times I had a good husband (i know that in itself could be a another whole set of problems.) to bounce ideas and problems off of. I get tired of struggling alone...I guess that is why I wish (like Alicia said) that Jesus could put on skin again and pay me a visit.

accidental worry

2009-01-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

The dreaded phone call came around 6:30pm. "Mom, I had an accident." I can not even begin to explain all the different emotions and thoughts that went tearing through my body and mind.
After I got her to calm down, she told me where she was at and I got there in record time.
Shelby is fine; very hysterical and shaken up, but physically fine. The other driver was ok too; although complaining of back pain. But they didnt leave in the ambulance, so hopefully we wont be facing a lawsuit.

This whole experience has really shaken both of us up. She is very reluctant to drive again. SHE has driven since the accident...but I have to 'make' her. And quite frankly, I am fine if she doesnt want to drive becasue I am afraid too. BUT I cant let HER know that. So I ignore my feelings and encourage her to 'get back in the saddle'.

This whole situation has dredged up an old enemy: worry. I have never really considered myself a worrier...but in a sense, I guess I am. Over the years, I have gotten better about trusting the Lord and not "borrowing trouble". But this has really thrown me. I worry she will have another wreck and that next time she wont walk off without a single scratch. I worry about how we are going to afford another car. I worry about finances. I worry about what we are going to do when my daddy dies..etc...and the list goes on and on and on....

But as the saying goes, this too shall pass. We will get those two stupid citations paid, shelby will drive again with confidence, and I will trust...maybe.

My quirky dad

2009-01-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, so as most of you know, my dad has lived with me for a year now due to his health. And what a year it has been: constant trips to the doctors, middle of the night runs to the emergency room, frantic 911 calls, and just the daily care of his legs, meds, etc.

I am no martyr...but honestly, I do not mind taking care of him. It does get tiring...esp. the constant complaining. Here lately, he is convinced he is going to die of a heart attack. We have been to the ER several times. He complains constantly of pain; but there is nothing showing up on his ekg's. Nothing in his blood work either to indicate heart stress. Due to his thinking he is on deaths door, he has done some things lately that just are begging to be blogged by me. ;-)

Early this week we were sitting at the table eating supper. Out of the blue dad says, "Tonya, I want to pay for Shelby to get a tattoo." I dropped my fork and my mouth just swung open. Speechless, I was. (A little back ground info here.....off and on for a few years now, Shelby has wanted a tatoo. I always say, NO, not as long as you live in my house...)
I finally got my breath back and said, " Now dad, what exactly do you want it to say? Pops?"
And then of course I look at her and ask her if she put him up to that, she and he both said no.
Here was his reasoning: If you let her get one now, she will see how painful it is. Plus maybe she will get it out of her system and not want anymore." My response: Well, lets just let her go have sex, or go drinking so she can get it out of her system." Ok, I know, a bit unreasonable, but I was still in shock that he was taking HER side! :=) What her fascination with tattoos is, I dont know. And she has one all picked out just in case I say yes. Which, by the way, prob. will not happen.

Another day this week, I wake up and go in the kitchen. Dad is sitting there. I notice 2 packs of gum on the counter. He said, "those are for Shelby." He had gone to the store to get his mother a birthday card, and pick Shelby up some gum. Let me note that he is always doing that here lately. Everytime he goes to the store, he picks something up for her. He then told me, "I got her that. I dont know if you have noticed, but I have been buying a lot for her. I want to get her as much as I can before I die. Next month, I am going to ger her a blackberry". I said," A blackberry dad? come one, really? Does she need a blackberry?". He said, "Maybe not, but I want to get her whatever she wants while I am still able to do it. " Again, I was speechless. She has not asked him for a blackberry. I told him that inJuly our phone contract is up for renewal, and we would be able to get a better deal then. But he is convinced he is not going to live that long.

Then, today. I am on the couch reading. He walks out of his room and hands me several sheets of paper. He has written out his will. He has listed all his early possessions (which is not much) and who he wants them to go to. By each one, he wrote a personal note to the person receiving the item. (very touching, and sometimes, just plain funny) He wanted me to make sure it sounded ok. I said, yes, dad, it does. So he signed it, and I put it in a safe place. I am hoping I will not have to pull it out for a very long time.

Ode to pets

2008-12-23T11:06:00.000-08:00

Little Muffin is dead. No, it is not a pastry, but the name of one of Shelby's hermit crabs. Unfortunately, Little Muffin is no more. He died a few days ago. No, he wasn't molting, he was really dead. and my daughter is really devastated. She loved that little crab. Everyday she would give him a mist bath. He would crawl on her while she did homework. When she picked him up and talked to him, he would come out at the sound of her voice.
She has cried for days now. It doesn't help that she is also on her period. I am sure that is causing some of the emotion she is currently feeling. At this moment, she is burying her little crab. She has a real flower that she is marking his grave with.
I chuckled a little, behind her back of course. I realize their is no humor in death, but come on, it is just a crab.
But, then I began to think. What if it were my favorite cat, Baby in the ground? Would I chuckle then? Probably not. I love that cat and I would be utterly heartbroken if she died. She is my constant companion, my one comfort when I come home at night. When I am home, she is right by me. When I sleep at night, she is curled up at my back. When I am sitting, she is either in my lap or right beside me in the recliner. So, I suppose when she dies, I too will be marking her grave with flowers. and I doubt I will be doing any chuckling.

The Virtue of Pain

2008-12-09T06:54:00.000-08:00

You know, some people say that pain is a good thing. Because if our bodies never felt pain, we would not know we were hurt or sick. At the first sign of pain, we know something is wrong and reach for the fix whether it be to the medicine cabinet or a visit to the doctor. I have had some recent experience with pain. For the previous 4 weeks, I had a constant headache. Nothing major. On scale of one to 10, 10 being the most intense, I would say my pain was about a 3 or 4. But the constant minor pain began to wear on me physically. I had no energy and no strength. I finally called the doctor and begged for relief because nothing over the counter was working. And if I did not get relief soon, somebody was going to get hurt! ;) After 2 tries, I finally got some relief. I love those little pills. ;)

But what do we do when the pain is not physical, but emotional? What do we run to for relief? Do we confront it head on or do we drown it in food, beverage, or sleep?

Unfortunately, I am experiencing some emotional pain. My first response is to crawl back in bed and pull the cover over my head. If I could, I would just stay holed up in my house; my little peace of serenity in a world that is full of pain and people who are all to willing to inflict it. Yes, I wish I could sleep and put a damper on the constant worrying about bills; I wish my 'sweet dreams' could melt away the harsh words, and mean stares I get from a certain person; I wish the quiteness of rest would erase the constant anxiety over my fathers ill health; I wish the solitude of the night would undo the stinging slap of rejection.

But sleep doesnt really help erase the pain, it just merely post pones it. It is there when my head hits the pillow, and still there when my feet first touch the floor. Pain, my constant companion lately both physically and emotionally. I think I need a divorce!

Five things I love

2008-12-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I was tagged by Mary. Here are my 5. They ARE not in order of importance. Just random numbering :=)

1. My daughter. She is truly the joy and light of my life. I love the way she looks at things. Her view on life is different than most. She is turning out to be a leader, has a strong sense of right and wrong, and loves to laugh. She has a great sense of humor and finds joy in simple things.

2. My cat, Baby. Ok, I know, it is just a cat. But what you have to understand is that I really do not care for animals. ANd really didnt like cats. But the first time I held Baby, my heart just melted. She began to purr in my arms and I was a goner. Every night when I sit in my recliner, she is right there in my lap. When I lay down at night, she snuggles in by my side. I just LOVE that cat! She has been a faithful companion these past 7 years.

3. My job. I absolutely love where I work. My Principal, Mrs. Noble, is the absolute best boss ever! And I LOVE my students and love teaching.

4. God. If I had to sum up my life in one word, it would be GRACE. From as far back as I can remember, he has alwasy intervened in my life in one way or another. Things have not been easy, but, He has always provided what I needed at just the right time. Even in my darkest hours, He has been there. It may not have always felt like it, but I know He has never left me.

5. My recliner. After YEARS of wanting one, my brother gave me his recliner last week. It is the best thing anyone has ever given me. I love being able to put my feet up and just relax. Baby loves it too! lol. Every night when I come into my room, she is on the recliner. I have to lift her to sit in it. One time she growled at me! But she calmed down when I sat her in my lap, which is where she always ends up every evening anyway. This chair is just so comfortable and I have really enjoyed it and am just so thankful to have it!!!!!!!

A Brave New World

2008-12-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

When we first become parents, we are in awe of the responsibility that has been thrust upon us. We gaze at the perfectness of our newborns, examine their fingers and toes, and breathe in the sweet scent of their innocence. However, the serene calm of our lives is shattered with that first piercing cry at 2 am and we wonder, what the heck have I done? Through out the terrible twos, the awful children's shows, the temper tantrums, the power struggles, the endless McDonald Happy meals, we often ask ourselves...what have I done??
Parenting does have its rewards. I love the sound of my child's laughter. The sweet little cards she made over the years, her imagination, her different way of looking at life.
But with each new milestone comes new struggles. I got past the middle of the night feedings only to face teething. Teething left and in came potty training. After potty training, the power struggles began. (Guess who won? :-) ) Then comes the first day of school. The first sleep over, the first heart break, the first dance, etc.
My newest milestone is driving. My sweet precious innocent baby is now a grown 17 year old who just got her 'real' license. Yesterday, she drove solo for the first time. I think a piece of my heart went with her as she pulled off without me. The next 20 minutes were absolutely awful for me. I was very near a panic attack. My heart was beating out of my chest, I felt my eyes tear up, and the worst things imaginable went through me head. What if she doesn't come home, what if someone hits her, what if she hits someone...and on and on. Somehow my thoughts came under control and I was able to calm down. She was very responsible, calling me when she got to her destinations, and before she left. When she walked in the door 2 1/2 hours later, I gave her a big hug and a kiss. She, of course, was grinning from ear to ear and so proud of herself for being all grown up. So, as I enter this new phase of her 'childhood', I cant help but be a little proud of the woman she is becoming. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, has compassion on the elderly and weak, leads her classmates with integrity and strength, and still sneaks into her mamas room to cuddle.
What more could a mama want? :-)

Family

2008-11-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Nothing can bring out the worst in you like a big family gathering. Most family gatherings last a day, maybe two. But no. Not mine. Mine lasted 4 long days and nights. Everyone FINALLY cleared out by 10 am Sunday. Things did not go as well as I had hoped. Maybe I expected Norman Rockwell...and well, what I got was Jerry Springer. On Wednesday, the first wave of family arrived; my saintly grandma, whom I love VERY much, my Aunt Donnie, her daughter in law, daughter and 2 grandchildren; my other cousins Jesse and David and my Uncle Laten (brother to Aunt Donnnie) That went ok. Other than the 2 month old baby crying all during the night EVERY night, it was fine. oh and the 2yr old walking around making spills and rearranging the christmas tree, yea, it was fine. Grandma helped me cook the big, yummy Thanksgiving meal. Dad was in the hospital from Tuesday through Friday, so he missed a lot of the, um, fun.
BUT the true fun began Friday night when my brothers showed up. YES. IN case you are keeping count...that was 9 more people in an already crowded house. Things got ugly at that point. You see, my bachelor brother found him a girl friend. and well, lets just say, she would never make it in a Norman Rockwell painting. More like a Jerry Springer sound bite.
She brought with her two daughters and a 9 month old god-son. She refused to eat the entire time she was here. In fact Friday night, she left and got a motel room. Fine. I can certainly understand that. I may have done the same thing. She returned Saturday AFTER my Florida relatives left. So the rest of the weekend, it was just me, dad, my brothers and their families.
Without going into a lot of family gossip, suffice it to say, things did not go well. She and my brother did not like it when I said they could not share a bed (they are unmarried). They didnt like it when I asked them to stop groping and kissing(deep kissing) in front of the children and me. And I certainly did not enjoy seeing her boobies and all her tats. If I wanted to see that much boob, I'd go buy me a playboy or just stand in front of the mirror and lift my shirt.
I mean, really, why put a shirt on if you are going to let your girls hang out for all to see. A waste of good material if you ask me.
Oh so much more went on...but I just dont have the strenght of heart to hash it out here.
My heart truly hurts. I am a people pleaser. I love having people over and playing the hostess. I want people to feel welcomed in my home. This is the first time I have regretted inviting someone, and the first time someone has refused my hospitality, disrespected my house 'rules' and basically said they didnt want to become to begin with and will never return again.
So, there, ya go.
THey are all gone.,
I have cleaned my house from top to bottom, washed all sheets, towels and rugs. My house is back in order.
The next time I start feeling lonely, and feeling sorry for myself, I am going to remember this weekend and enjoy my solitary life.

Civility

2008-11-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just don't understand people. I use to joke about how I wasn't an animal person, and was barely a people person. Sadly, for me, there is a little truth in that. Sometimes I just like my solitude. Maybe a little too much. I could go days without speaking to anyone and would be perfectly content. Of course, that is selfish, I know. So, I force myself to interact with human-kind. And my, how trying we humans can be. I am the type of pathetic personality that wants everyone to like her. Well, actually, I dont care if you like me, I just dont want you to NOT like me...lol. Relationships can be a fickle thing; and honestly, sometimes I just don't have the strentgh or energy to try to figure out what this person, or that person is thinking. I try to do my best to put other's first, but dang it all, can't I be first sometimes? And there's the crux of the problem. PUTTING others first. It is tiring, but at times what we have to do. Right now, I am in a situation where I just want to tell a few people (none of you, by the way) to shut the crap up, quit your dang whining and complaining, suck it up and just stinking DEAL with it. But no, I can't do that. I just have to take a deep breath, smile, and try to be sincerely pleasant.

Oh solitude, sweet, sweet solitude!

I know not everyone is going to like us. And I know we cant please everyone. But dang it, why not? Why cant we just all get along and like each other? lol Life is hard enough. Why add to the burden by being rude, unforgiving, and sometimes just plain unlovable.

I honestly just want to be the type of person who loves honestly, faithfully, and with servitude. That is hard to do, I know....I would much rather stay holed up in my house and not ever have to interact, but then that would not be very beneficial or civil. Selfishness, yea, sometimes it can be very appealing. Solitude anyone?

Voting

2008-10-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I exercised my American privilege and voted for our next president. This is the 6th presidential election that I have voted in. Never before have I felt such strong emotion about two very different candidates. As I put an X in the box next to my chosen candidate, my eyes became filled with tears. Thankfully, none spilled out, boy that would have been hard to explain. Why the tears? Honestly, I don't know. I guess because I am so worried that the wrong person will get elected. And if He does, I am afraid for our country. While I didn't really prefer any of those running, I have strong opposition to one in particular and am worried about what will become of my beloved America should he take office.

But, there is not much I can do but vote, pray, pray, and pray some more.

Don't forget to go vote on Tuesday!

Memories

2008-10-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

This past week, my one and only child turned 17! Yes, 17. While I am very proud of her, my heart was a wee bit sad. She is a junior in high school; which means NEXT year, she will be a senior!! And just all grown up. Where has the time gone? Every year, around her birthday, I pulled out all the baby albums, and albums from her childhood. This year was no different. As I looked at her baby pictures, I was trying to recall what it actually felt like to hold her in my arms, what she smelled like after a bath, and the sound of her first laugh. As I moved on to the toddler years, you know what I remembered? The good times, not the tantrums, or the dirty house, or how funds were tight. No, I remembered her running through the house laughing. I remember her sitting in her booster seat at the table asking , "no supper tonight mommy?"(I had been cleaning all afternoon, and did not realize that the supper hour had come and gone) I remember her sitting in her room talking to dolls and telling them to be good little girls and take a nap.

As I moved through the albums, more and more memories flooded my mind. Towards the end, I began to realize that while we may not have had all the luxuries in life, and while she may not have had a father in her life, she had a pretty good child hood, and she has turned out to be a pretty good girl. Oh, we have had some rocky moments during these teen years, but overall, she is a great girl. And I am proud to call her mine.

Beauty of Life

2007-08-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Life is precious.
Life is fragile.
Life is taken for granted.
Life is misused.
Life is a gift.
Life is sweet.
Life is hard.
Life is sometimes wasted.
Life is created.
Life is to be treasured.
Life can be a mystery.
Life can be a prize.
Life...............
what will you do with yours?

Choices

2007-08-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

Everyday we are faced with choices. Most are made without thinking. We start our journey to work/school, and pull in the parking lot not even conscience of the redlights we went through and turns we made. Our brain just went on auto-pilot.
All day long we are faced with choices: Should I cuss out the person who cut in front of me in traffic........ should I hold the door open for the older person right behind me....should I smile at the person walking by......should I lie or be honest......should I give back the $10 that the cashier accidentally gave me.....
Choices surround us all the time. Some are more dramatic than others.
Take belief for example. Do you choose to believe in God? Most are quick to say yes. But really? do you? do you really believe there is someone who really cares about you? Truly loves you unconditionally? Actually cares about what you are going through? This has been a struggle for me recently. If you were to ask me several years ago this question, I would have said, YES!!!! OH YEs, there is a God. But lately, I have struggeled. I admit that this brings me a bit of shame and embarrassment. But sometimes in the darkest of night, in my innermost being, I feel completly and utterly alone. At times the void is so vast and deep, I cant imagine some all knowing being actually giving a hoot about my mediocre life. But yet, the other part of me hopes that He is there. Because if He is not there, that makes the dark even darker. The hopelessness even more hopeless. The loneliness even more lonely.
A few weeks ago, it hit me. DUH. Belief in God is a choice that I have to make. I have to choose that He exists. I have to choose to believe that He loves me. I have to choose to walk towards Him and embrace him.
Its not always easy. LIfe is hard. But, how much harder it would be if I did not choose to believe in HIM.